“7 THINGS I’ve Learned About Step-Parenting!”

This week's "7 Things"

“7 Things I’ve learned about step-parenting…”

When I was a mum of one, I fell in love with a man who had a son and didn’t know how to feel. ‘Stepmother’, was a role I was unfamiliar with and where the most common prefix I could find to go with was the word, was ‘WICKED!’

The only blended family I’d really seen up close was ‘The Brady Bunch’ and their lives looked marvellous! It seemed that any hiccups or life hurdles could be sailed over if you laughed enough and ate chocolate chip cookies in a fancy kitchen – how hard could it be?

 I loved the man, loved him instantly and wholeheartedly, and it was a bit like shopping in a discount store, ‘buy one get one free’ – if we wanted each other, we also got another little boy. With the strong belief that love conquers all, I hitched my wagon to his and off we set into the sunset. And it was an absolute breeze! Like pouring hot water on soup granules, instant siblings, cuppa family! Fantastic!

We laughed; we danced; we swished our blonde hair as we enjoyed midnight feasts lovingly prepared by our kookie housekeeper. Oh no wait a minute that was ‘The Brady Bunch’. For us it was more like schlepping up a mountain with an elephant on our backs, and the elephant is either trying to punch you, crying, or threatening to run away and by the time you get to the top you are so exhausted you wish you’d never bothered. Yep, it was more like that.

Here are my “7 THINGS” this week.

1.     DON’T TRY TOO HARD. Our boys were eight when we met. I was so anxious to be liked by this little boy who had come into my life I went overboard. It was like I was in a permanent audition for ‘perfect mum’. I couldn’t relax, was overly concerned with every small aspect of our communication and interaction, desperate to get it right! It meant that I wasn’t being me. The atmosphere was fraught, and no one could relax and when you can’t relax in your home you lose your sanctuary and nothing good comes from that. I was so desperate to be liked by my stepson that I tried too hard. It was only when I could take my foot off the gas and admit that I was finding things tough that we were able to move forward.

2.     IF ITS HARD FOR YOU ITS EVEN HARDER FOR THEM. There were times when I felt a little sorry for myself. This was supposed to be the joyous, fun-filled, romantic stage of our courtship, instead we were worrying over the kids and looking after the kids and planning for the kids. Every decision we made had their best interests at the heart of it. I realised that this was not an ‘in the movies’ relationship. This was real life where we were not going to nip off to Paris for romantic weekends (even if we had been able to afford it) we were instead going to be ferrying kids from A to B, washing sports kit and trying to get ‘alone time’ where and when we could! Yes, I was selfish, until one day I saw the kids looking miserable and realised that no matter how hard it was for us as newly hitched adults trying to figure things out, it was even harder for two little boys who trusted us implicitly to do the right thing with their lives. It was a huge responsibility and one that became our focus. What we needed/wanted had to come second.

3.     HONEST OPEN COMMUNICATION.  Regular family meetings, usually after dinner and around the table, where NOTHING was off limits became intrinsic to our family life. Tears were commonplace, anger too, but this was where we got it all out! I remember my stepson crying, worried that his dad might love me more than he loved him. We told both the boys that this was simply not possible. We loved each other of course, but that was small fry compared to how we both felt about our boys. We explained that I would always love my son the most and my husband his son the most but that didn’t mean we didn’t have spare love to go around! It made each boy feel reassured that their ‘special’ place in the heart of each parent was not affected. This really worked for us and for them. I learned it was okay to say I was fed-up, not happy, struggling and to ask for help from the boys and my husband. The only way to effect change.

4.     NEW FAMILY. NEW RULES. I was so keen to be loved by this new man and so fearful of my stepson not loving me that I treated him differently to how I treated my own son. If he didn’t want to eat vegetables and wanted his Gameboy at the table, no problem! While I glared at my son if he so much as pushed a Brussel sprout to the edge of the plate… This had to stop. It was unfair on everyone. It was time for new rules! Just because something had been commonplace before we became a family, it was going forward that counted. My husband too was fearful of reprimanding my son in case he upset me. I had to hand over some of the responsibility for parenting, as did he and it worked. This meant I now got to glare at both boys if they pushed a Brussel sprout to the edge of the plate… win win!

5.     TIME. It takes time to form a family, to iron out the wrinkles, to learn each other’s habits and traits. For us it took years. Just like starting a new job, moving into a new home, starting over in a new city, driving a new car. There is a moment when everything clicks and you can’t imagine your life before, forming a new family is no different. Be patient. Learn your new situation, adept and adjust to it, and don’t rush.

6.     MILESTONES AND TRADITIONS. I missed the first eight years of my stepson’s life and at Christmas, birthdays and other celebrations it felt important to create our own set of traditions. My boys are twenty-five now and we still as a family, plant our Christmas tree somewhere in January. We always, always joke on birthday mornings how the boys are definitely taller than they were the night before… we have many little things. But actually, they are big things, because they bind us. They make us a family.

7.     LOVE REALLY DOES CONQUER ALL. It took time for us all to fall in love. Just because my husband and I had been got good by Cupid, didn’t mean the kids felt the same and it didn’t mean we felt the same about each other’s kids! But now we do. I love my boys. I love my sons. I never, ever refer to one of them as my stepson. I am simply Mum to two boys of whom I am very, very proud. We laugh a lot, (usually at my expense) and we eat chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen, turns out ‘The Brady Bunch’ knew what they were on about. Oh, and we really are proof that love conquers all…

Do any of these resonate? I’d love to hear about your thoughts…

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