“Tangerine!” by Amanda Prowse

No 19 "I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE…"

I swear to the Universe if one more person wants to tell me how hot it is I will blow my top! What is it with people?

I’ve lost count of the number of acquaintances/neighbours/family/random queue friends in shops, who turn to me with a red, sweaty face to inform me,

‘Ooh it’s hot today!’ (Yes, I know, because I am standing next to you breathing the same air in the same heat, under the same sunshine!)

But it doesn’t end there. They then continue with,

‘It’s actually too hot. But I’m not moaning,’ (Actually you are just a little bit.)

‘But I don’t like this heat…’ (You don’t like this heat? Really? What heat? Why have you not mentioned it?)

And then as if these interactions weren’t enough, we are bombarded with puerile television segments filled with any random bloke, telling us how to keep cool, especially at night.

‘Open your windows!’ (No shit Sherlock!)

‘Don’t wear woollen or thick clothes!’ (Oh well that’s me having to put my polo necked sweater and bobble hat back in the drawer!)

‘Drink iced water!’ (Damn it, I was just about to sip this molten lava!)

‘Buy a fan!’ (A fan you say? I was going to invest in an electric blanket and crank up the thermostat!)

And it’s not only the TV, but there are also numerous articles in newspapers and magazines which pretty much repeat the above advice.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH, it drives me crackers.

I know that being British, talking about the weather is pretty much a standard preoccupation. I mean if we didn’t discuss rain, the threat of rain, when it might next rain, the last time it rained, whether the garden needs rain, liking pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, we would have no topic with which to engage random strangers. But ye Gods! I KNOW ITS HOT!!!!!!!

And oh, oh, don’t think this phenomenon is reserved solely for hot weather – oh no! It’s the same when it comes to snow – and not the vast house-high drifts that my Scandi friends have to contend with. I’m talking about the merest powder coating of white dust that sees us scuttle off to the hardware store for snow shovels, toboggans, salt for slippery driveways, de-icer for car windscreens, crampons, ice axes and those fur-lined parkas that keep out arctic blizzards. And the BEST thing, is that my nearest and dearest and the strangers and the queue friends all formally mentioned, like to let me know,

‘Looks like snow.’ (Yes, I know I too have a window!)

‘You’ll have to keep an eye on your tubs, it’ll kill your flowers’ (Thanks for that Monty Don!)

‘Have you got candles in case of a power cut?’ (Candles? We have 3mm of frost and no visible snowflakes! I’ve got more ice in my freezer!!!)

Why can’t we just accept that we have weather - lots of weather - every day!

Okay – feels good to have got that off my chest.

Thank you for listening.

Can’t stay and chat.

It’s going to be hot tomorrow, like HOT hot. Do you have sunscreen? A shady spot? A cold pillow? A fan? I do hope so. Oh no wait a minute, just checked on the forecast and it looks like rain. Now, let me think, when was the last time we had a good rain…