"Tangerine" by Amanda Prowse

No 2 "BUSHCRAFT!"

“Bushcraft”

I don’t know when the message that beauty, and the importance of our outer casing became so important. Maybe it always has been. But I don’t remember it being like that when I was growing up. Perhaps, too busy with my nose in a book, I was simply oblivious. And it’s not only our faces that are the subject of such scrutiny, but also what lies below the bikini line – yes self-interest, vanity and being on trend even extends to our nether regions.

The Kardashians have been open about getting laser vaginal rejuvenation and Sharon Osborne has spoken about her vaginal tightening procedure. Not that I’d bother, I mean if I can’t be arsed to lose weight, put on make-up or brush my hair, I’m hardly going to go for a below knicker makeover, am I? And it’s not only our vaginas that are the subject of intense scrutiny, but there is a rise in popularity of how we groom our pubic hair – yes, our pubic hair!

Did you know that there are hundreds of ways to style your pubic hair? No, me either! Let’s look at pubic hair, (not literally although feel free to Google!)

            Women the world over are booking themselves in for:

·      Full Brazilian

·      Half Brazilian

·      Brazilian Triangle

·      Martini glass

·      Landing Strip

·      Diamond

·      Amazon Rain Forest

·      The Bare Lady

·      The Porcupine

·      The Rack of Lamb

·      The Postage Stamp

·      The Magnum PI

·      And dozens and dozens of others!

 Certain practitioners of the grooming art, even have their own signature style: a bit like Vidal Sassoon’s “Bob” I should imagine, or Chris McMillan who snipped “The Rachel” in the nineties. Although I suspect, quite unlike “The Bob” and “The Rachel” you will be far less likely to want to show it off to your grandparents over Sunday lunch or post a close-up pic on Insta – although of course if you do, then you go girl!

I have to say that styling this particular part of my anatomy is not a thing that has ever really occurred to me. I have friends who are a little obsessed with it, along with removing every sign of a sprouting follicle south of their eyebrows. But I’ve never given it too much thought. It is, I think, another unattainable, pressurised image endorsed by the porn industry who only show the neatest, smoothest and coiffed of lady gardens. And let’s face it, most of what’s portrayed in the porn industry is unrealistic, and this worryingly feeds the skewed ideas of how we need to be lace-clad, trussed-up sex kittens who make the most incredible noises of appreciation during sex, whilst wearing heels that you’d struggle to stand up in! No thanks! I’ve got to be honest, for me, it’s a battle not to shout out, “remind me to get the lasagna out of the freezer for Sunday,” during sex and other equally pedestrian thoughts. I have learned this is not sexy and can actually be a little off putting… who knew?

So, back to my nether regions. It was kind of bushy when I was young and left to its own devices, that was until I became aware of the term “intimate grooming.” I figured I needed to up my game. I have a long list of mates who on a six-weekly cycle, swallow ibuprofen to numb the pain, put on their middle of the road pants - you know the ones, old enough to be worn without worry of a road accident, but not so sexy that they make you the centre of gossip once you leave the salon. And certainly not the tatty ones with the holes and the gaping elastic that fit you like a second skin and you can’t bear to throw away. So, in their “middle of the road” pants, they shed their jeans and climb onto a paper-covered couch assuming all manner of positions ranging from “lazy dog” to “recumbent frog,” so a smiling beauty therapist with her face inches from their front bottom, can rip their pubes out with hot wax while asking if they are planning on a holiday this year and if they have yet discovered Aldi/Target wine/candles/face cream, which are all “just amazing for the price.”

They then limp home with swollen red bumps around their lady parts, opting for a cool bath and stiff gin to get through the evening. Yes, armed with this information, I decided that my intimate grooming would consist of a quick snip where I could reach with the nail scissors and even then only when my wayward bush was snaking towards my knees.

No one tells you that this wayward bush will thin and wither with time, until you don’t need to worry about assuming “The Lazy Dog” or “Recumbent Frog.” Mother Nature has decreed my wispy fronds will remain tamed and tucked without intervention, which is a blessing actually, as age and a few extra pounds makes the snipping with said nail scissors trickier with each passing year. Thank God for mirror-on-a-stick. Is this a thing? I just made it up. But if it exists, I need to get me one. Oh, and I feel it only right to say that I might have also made up ‘The Rack of Lamb,’ ‘The Porcupine’ the ‘Magnum PI’ and a couple of others – but they did make me laugh – who knows, these might become my signature styles…