"Tangerine!" by Amanda Prowse

No 16 "ASHES TO ASHES..."

No 16 “ASHES TO ASHES”

Funerals. I don’t know anyone that looks forward to them, delights in the prospect of them and doesn’t feel a small amount of trepidation at the prospect of attending one. Or possibly I just speak for myself. Thankfully, I haven’t been to many in my life, maybe a dozen?

It’s a struggle to know what to wear – most I have attended no longer demand the sombre black clothing our Victorian cousins would have insisted upon, but is silk floral too much? Should I avoid pink? Who knows? What are the rules? Are there any rules?

Strange isn’t it that we are so good at talking about the details of weddings, twenty-first birthdays, baby showers, anniversary parties, hen dos’, but funerals? They are still wrapped in a certain awkward mystique. I intend to let everyone know my wishes so there’s no confusion!

I have dreaded each and every one I’ve attended with a sick feeling in my stomach in the run up. I have travelled to them in silence, wishing I could jump forward in time until it was over, whilst simultaneously wishing I could jump back in time to allow me one more chat, one more question, one more hug, one more giggle…

The send offs for those close to me were no more than a blur. Head down, grasping for a hand to hold, like it was a rock on which to shelter in the choppiest of oceans. Hoping everything ran like clockwork and that I could hold it together long enough not to make a scene that would divert the attention from what really mattered. They did and I did. Thankfully. Hindsight, however, has shown that the ritual goodbye with or without formality, has become part of my grieving process.

As my mind picked through the loss, which on some days would lance my breast with its pointed, poison-laden tip, and on others would sit in the background like the gentle, irritating hum of a mosquito that I could hear, but couldn’t see. And I knew without doubt that when I least expected it, that darned thing was going to bite my arse. The funeral became a bookend for that intense period of new loss. I was eventually able to take comfort from the words spoken, the poems read, the memories shared…

Not that they helped quell my grief, not at all, they were no more than a Band Aid on a wound too deep to bleed, but as a marker in the grief journey they were a helpful and welcome part of the process.

Every funeral I’ve been to, has of course been different, each carried the unique tastes, habits, customs and personalities of the family or friends holding the funeral. But there were some similarities; at each funeral I’ve learned something about the person who has died. Even if it was only what they looked like at some point in their life in an unseen photograph or a tale shared that I was unaware of. The most painful moment has always been the end, when the coffin is either lowered into the ground or the curtains close at the crematorium. It’s the hardest of goodbyes. This for me is nearly always followed by a small sense of relief that it’s done and the new chapter, no matter how desolate it may seem, or painful to contemplate, must begin.

Funerals are also in my experience, never as bad as I have imagined. They can be celebratory, wonderful! And many is the time I have left a funeral feeling almost elated, thankful not only to have known that person, but also safe in the knowledge that the deceased person would have LOVED to have been there… maybe they were.

I went to one such funeral yesterday.

The sun shone, the day was bright, music played, memories were shared, laughter abounded, and it was pretty perfect. I left feeling not sad, but reflective, yes, we will miss him, yes, death is never good, but when a life is celebrated in a way that lets the universe know how thankful you were to have that person in your life, well, it can only be a good thing.

And going to back to making MY wishes known. Please feel free to wear flowers, pink or any darned thing you choose. And laugh. A lot…

For all things Amanda Prowse head to www.amandaprowse.com - thank you for reading! X