“Tangerine!” by Amanda Prowse

No 21 “FROM THIS DAY FORTH…”

I’ve been having a bit of a think, which is unusual for me in this heat when I prefer not to think or move – like a walrus on a rock with a view of the sea - happy to lie in wait for high tide while anyone passing is very welcome to lob a bucket of water over me. Or hose me down, either works.

Anyhoo, as I was saying, I’ve been having a think. We’re having a party next weekend, not just a party but a PAAAAAAAARTY!!! The kind you fret over for months in advance, book caterers, get your hair done, you get the gist. But before we party, I need to spring clean the house and oh lordy – this is what has got me thinking about my wedding vows! Yes, my wedding vows.

What’s the link I hear you ask?

Well, after what I’ve observed and discovered in the disordered chaos that is our home, I think it’s time to give those sincere pledges an overhaul.

If and when you do decide to get hitched or are ever renewing your troth to your beloved, I would strongly suggest that your vows should be something pertinent to the way you live.

Vows that will help maintain matrimonial harmony and wellbeing. When we got married, approximately one hundred and fifty years ago, the words we exchanged were very traditional,

to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part,

blah blah blah…

Now, having been married for said hundred and fifty years, I propose redoing our vows with something far more appropriate and which I firmly believe would make our union better/stronger/more bearable.

I would like my husband to promise:

To “NEVER TO LEAVE OBJECTS AND TRIP HAZARDS ON THE STAIRS”. For the love of God, the times I nearly go A over T because I’m doing my best to avoid a pile of laundry, a pair of shoes, a jacket, a large packet of loo roll that he’s plonked down in my path – why?!?!?!? Just take it upstairs. Just do it. Do it now.

I would also like him to promise to “TAKE MORE CARE WITH THE FRIDGE AND ITS CONTENTS”. Put the bloody milk away! It’s not hard, just put the lid on and pop it back in the fridge, especially in this very hot weather when semi-skimmed can turn into Brie in a matter of seconds! Reseal ham, cheese, pate etc that you have opened and used. Do not put it back in the fridge open as it goes all dark and icky and I have to throw it away!

I would urge him to commit to “NOT LOOKING AT HIS PHONE WHEN HE CAN’T SLEEP”. When he does this, I can’t sleep either! Is that fair? NO! Bin your phone at night. It’s the night, no one needs to know what’s happening in the world or who’s winning at cricket! For the love of God - go to sleep!

It would fab if he could agree to “EVENLY PLACING CUTLERY IN THE CUTLERY HOLDER IN THE DISHWASHER AND NOT RAMMING EVERY KNIFE, FORK AND SPOON INTO THE FIRST LITTLE SQUARE AT THE FRONT BECAUSE IT’S THE FIRST ONE HE REACHES” this bugs me beyond belief. It means we have a cramped compartment where things aren’t always pristine when washed, as its too crowded and the back compartments are empty! Just pull the bottom rack out for easy access, spread the cutlery out. Simples. Not too much to ask, is it?

And finally, I would rest easy if I knew he’d vow to “LEAVE MY CAR KEYS WHERE I PUT THEM. DO NOT MOVE MY KEYS!!!!” There is a rack people, a special rack with hooks, where the keys live and so why oh why when I reach for my keys are they missing? And why are they always in one of his pockets, in jeans or trousers on the bedroom floor? Don’t hide my keys!!! Don’t do it!

Goodness, I feel better already! Although, I’m feeling a little bit guilty as he’s just brought me a cup of coffee and I can hear the dogs eating their breakfast and the washing machine is churning which he has also fed and he’s smiling at me like I’m a gift even though I look like I’ve slept in a hedge. And actually, after a hundred and fifty years, I don’t think I’d change a single thing. Now, where has he put my bloody keys…

Do let me know what “vows” you would like your other half to commit to…