“7 THINGS (that according to my kids) mean I’m getting old!”

Here are my “7 THINGS” this week.

I am a mum to two boys, aged 24 and 25. I’m lucky really, so very, very lucky. I never need to consult Google; I’ve binned every encyclopedia on the dusty old shelves and don’t have to consult helplines or instructions. Why? Because my kids know EVERYTHING!!! Not only do they know everything, but they invented EVERYTHING! From sex to ambition to heartbreak to eye rolling. They invented making snacks, driving cars and they know how the remote controls/computers and TVs work. And my lack of understanding when it comes to these things is (apparently) like a needle in their side, causing them to tut and sigh in my direction. Yes, my boys are the first when it comes to most things and the mere suggestion that I could know, understand, or even vaguely relate to their lives in any way is laugh-out-loudable. They are trailblazers! I suspect they think I lived in a cave until I became their mum. Funny, because since becoming their mum, I sometimes wish I could move to a quiet, solitary cave with a pillow and a bottle of red. And it’s such a pity they can’t channel some of their brilliance into changing the loo roll when it runs out…

1.     The biggest giveaway that I am old or ‘getting’ old is apparently my obsession with feeding the kids and their friends. They spend a life of breezing in and out of the larder and fridge, grabbing carrot sticks, hummus, pizza and chocolate as their hunger dictates. It might be 3 p.m. or 3 a.m. but what does it matter? When you’re hungry, you’re hungry right? THIS drives me crazy! I want to know that they’ve eaten and what they’ve eaten. I ask CONSTANTLY “Have you had your tea?”, “What did you have?”, “Would you like me to make you a sandwich or an omelette?” and they look at me as if I’ve asked them to donate a kidney. “Just chill Mum!” I would chill, but I don’t know how…

2.     Another tell-tale is when they ask me for a web address or they ask me to look something up and I say “Okay, it’s double u, double u, double u…” this apparently is a no no. We can assume the WWW and jump straight to “blah dot com!” who knew I was wasting so much precious time saying that?

3.     My bits and bobs drawer. Yes, in this fast-paced, space-deprived world where every inch of your living environment is supposed to be curated and ordered to make maximum use of every square inch, it amazes them that the one BIG drawer in the kitchen is full of… stuff. What stuff exactly? Matchboxes, receipts, the egg timer I’ve never used but can’t bear to get rid of, the odd coupon, dog treats, a plastic whistle I got out of a cracker (you never know when you’re going to need a plastic whistle!) scissors, batteries – no way of knowing if they work or not, loose buttons for clothes we no longer own, some centimes and the menu for our local chip shop. And elastic bands. Lots and lots of elastic bands. Apparently, a bits and bobs drawer is a no no. You know who has a bits and bobs drawer? OLD PEOPLE like me.

4.     I’m becoming a repeater. You know what I’m talking about. I start to tell my kids a story about something I’ve seen/heard/read about, and they say, “Yeah you’ve already told me that Mum…” and even though I hear them and know they are telling the truth. I HAVE to carry on with the story, with an overriding compulsion to get the to end! Just me?

5.     My inability to recite the phonetic alphabet – alpha bravo, charlie, delta etc  – why is it when I’m on a call, and asked for a name or code or letter - my mind goes blank and I say “that’s F for Fuggetywitchhole, T for Tintertotalation, M for Muddywiddles It’s like I’m on a gameshow trying to come up with most obscure answer. My husband’s a soldier and so this alphabet is second nature to him – he and the kids if they overhear, just stare at me totally flumoxyiated.

6.     Another thing I do that shows my age is if we are ever in a restaurant and the food arrives and the server asks, “Who’s is the spaghetti?” I will say, “Oh that’s for Ben.” “And the chicken?” “That’s for Joshy.” “The fish?” “That’s for Gracie” and the person with the plates stares at me BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHO ON THE TABLE IS JOSH, BEN OR GRACIE!!!! They don’t know everyone’s names. I’m trying to remember this and get better at pointing.

7.     And finally, my kids know I am ageing because of my love of BIN DAY. The day the bins are collected is for me, almost a cause for celebration. Not only is it the only marker in the week that helps me know what day it is, but I am so thankful that our rubbish is taken away – I think it’s the most incredible service. My kids however, say it’s an indicator of my dull life that the sound of the garbage truck is the thing that makes me dance in the kitchen. They’ve suggested that if I’m this delighted by the bin lorry, what on earth would I make of the theatre? They may have a point…

Do any of these resonate? I’d love to hear about what makes you feel old on a daily basis…

Please look out for next week’s “7 THINGS”

*Imayhaveexaggeratedalittle

**Ilovemykids

***theloorollbitistrue